20 Jun

A story…

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

…that deserves to be heard.

Click.

ps – Any comments should be directed to Kelly, not me. This is her story.

23 May

Humbled

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

I can only use one arm right now because of the surgery (which went well with no complications)…

…and I don’t think grace has ever been so tangible.

18 May

I’ve been lazy

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

It’s so easy to lose track of time.

My last post in here was over four months ago. Before that it was sporadic and I hadn’t posted anything of substance in a pretty long time. I’m not too sure how I feel about that. That makes me pretty disappointed because mostly it’s all been sheer laziness that has kept me from writing down some pretty important things.

There’s been a lot of conversation, a lot of movement from Him and a lot of growth. New friends and old have impacted me in different ways. The anniversary of my baptism passed virtually unnoticed. Lots of coffee conversations have gone unrecorded and late nights at Applebees have come and gone. I had my best semester of college in…well, ever.

It’s time to start keeping track again and to put the laziness away. I have opinions, they’re valuable and I’m allowed to express them. In fact, if I didn’t express them, I would be doing God, myself and others a pretty big disservice.

That’s not to say since I haven’t been writing that I haven’t been active. Far from it. There’s been a lot of growth at the CSU Lifegroup. I’ve been investing myself in peoples lives and some of the fruits of that are starting to show in their lives and in my own. 707 has been getting better and we’re continuing to go down the path He wants us to.

I just want to start keeping track of what’s been up. What’s going down and what God is doing. So I’ll be writing in here more often. For now I’ll try to keep it at least once a week.

Bring on the Kingdom.

13 Jan

My uncle plays the tumpet…

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

…on a television commercial for Sports Time Ohio.

12 Jan

Carboard testimonies

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

29 Dec

Every two and a half minutes. (Part 1)

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , .

Tonights service at 707 moved me more than any service in recent memory. The focus was on prayer and how God is close to us despite any circumstances that may exist in our lives. Lately my circumstances haven’t been perfect but when are they ever perfect? There are so many people in the world who have less than nothing, that die from preventable diseases, that haven’t yet broken free of addictions and that go to sleep every night hungry and wondering if they will have enough to eat the next day.

Most everyone who knows me knows that I was sexually abused when I was younger, I’m fairly open about it. It’s even been used against me before, to take advantage of my weaknesses, but I continue to be open honest and transparent about it because that is my calling. To be a light in the pitch black darkness for people who haven’t yet reached the point that I have, who are still living in despair, who haven’t figured out that healing isn’t just a dream it’s a reality and it exists in Jesus.

When you’re living in that kind of reality, when a crime has been committed against you that is so violent, so dehumanising, so disgusting that it truly makes you consider yourself the filthiest form of unclean you can imagined, you can do some pretty horrible things to yourself and to other people. manipulation, selfishness, pumping yourself full of drugs to ease the pain for just one fleeting moment, cutting, having sex with anyone who will hop into bed with you…the list goes on and on and on.

I’ve lived through that reality, and to an extent I still do, I still deal with the aftermath and the consequences of my actions every single day. There are days I wake up feeling like the filthiest piece of dirt on the planet at the thought of all the meaningless relationships that dulled my reality for a day, a week, maybe a month at most but after every one of them the result was the same. I felt empty again, alone, worthless and I didn’t want to live. Eventually, after I lived this way for years, I started realising that the things that I had started out using to cope were now using me. There came a point where I had to step back and admit I was getting nowhere and that I wouldn’t get anywhere if I kept looking in myself for the solution when the only thing that was inside me was the problem.

I found the solution in Jesus. I’m serious. I’m not the kind of person who is “in your face” with my faith. I think that far tool often people say a lot but don’t really say anything at all and I believe words are a gift best used sparingly and sincerely. I prefer to live by example and let a pattern of consistent actions speak the truth for itself. Sometimes that truth is Jesus and sometimes it’s not. I’m fallen, I’m a sinner and truthfully, I don;’t always live like I should or say what I mean. I do try though, to be the best example I can be.

Some people have asked me why I keep writing about this every so often. There’s a few reasons, some of which are admittedly selfish.

It helps me deal. Some word vomit on a page once in awhile helps me get thoughts out of my head that I’d rather not have and that aren’t in any way honoring to God.

It helps others. Every time I tell my story, I have no idea who is reading, listening or taking notes. If I help just one person out of however many people, then it’s worth it, because they know they’re not alone, they know someone else can identify with their struggle and they know that at the end of the day my efforts to save myself ended in complete and utter disaster and that Jesus made things right, that Jesus did the saving and that He deserves the praise for whatever I’ve done, whoever I’ve impacted of influenced. The ripples that this story makes in the huge and overwhelming sea of life makes no difference, it’s Jesus who gives me the courage to stand up and say I was abused and not care about the negative (and sometimes apathetic, far worse if you ask me) reactions, it’s Jesus who gives me the strength to endure the aftereffects of this that still exist almost 14 years later and it’s God who was with me even while I was destroying myself and spitting in His face trying to destroy myself, someone He loved to the point of sending His Son to die for.

If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.

I ramble too much. So, on to my point: Who do you know that needs this solution? Every two and a half minutes, someone in America is sexually assaulted like I was almost 14 years ago. Every two and a half minutes, someone has this same horrible and disgusting crime of violence committed against their soul. Every two and a half minutes, this pattern of destructive behavior might start all over again with someone else and it doesn’t have to.

As Christians we have a responsibility to help these people. But when was the last time you ever heard a pastor mention this in a sermon or anywhere else? If you have heard this mentioned, great, but by and large, this crisis is largely ignored in the church today and I think that is unacceptable and dare I say un-Christlike.

Every two and half minutes. That’s 24 people every hour, and over 210,000 people every year. Jesus loves these people. He died for them. He is the hope that they desperately need, and yet I can’t remember the last time I heard a pastor mention the word “rape” in a sermon.

What are you going to do about it?

What will we do about it?

22 Dec

A new addition

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

I’m an uncle times thrice.

Quinten Bradley Kozina
Born 12/22/08 @ 8:07am
7lbs. 5oz.

My brother holding his new son

My brother holding his new son

He already looks better than I do.

He already looks better than I do.

Quinten is either really small or my brothers hand is really big. Or both.

Quinten is either really small or my brothers hand is really big. Or both.

[caption id="attachment_68" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Quiet, my nephew is sleeping."]Quiet, my nephew is sleeping.[/caption]

And his nickname shall be…Q-Ball.

29 Nov

Psalm 107:1

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and I’m thankful.

I’m thankful we have a God who forgives time and time again, with a patience that never wears thin, never gets tired, never runs dry. I’m thankful that once I deserved death, but now I am washed by His blood and am now co-heirs with Him, and so now God sees me as clean, pure, washed, blameless.

I’m thankful for second, third, fourth, fifth, and seventy-third chances.

I’m thankful for the beautiful girl that sits next to me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning, for her friendship, her smiles and her passion for Him. She has a rash on her cheeks from her illness, but I only see a brilliant glow.

I’m thankful that my mother is still alive and I’m thankful that God is bigger than any cancer. I’m thankful for my dad, as fragile and strained as our relationship may be.

I’m thankful for being sober and for being able to truly feel alive. I’m thankful that I’m constantly reminded what that means and where I came from. I’m thankful that no matter how many times I relapse, God will be there.

I’m thankful for so many people that have cared about me, put up with me, loved on me, encouraged me and challenged me.

I’m thankful for being alive. For air and water, for light and darkness.

I’m thankful.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth

Worship the Lord with gladness
come before him with joyful songs

Know that the Lord is God
It is he who made us, and we are his
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise
give thanks to him and praise his name

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever
his faithfulness continues through all generations

– Psalm 100

23 Nov

Lately

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

I don’t write in here near as much as I want to. I always feel like anything I have to say has been written about or talked about before. Then I remember my God gave me my own mind with my own unique view on every subject imaginable. Those are the times I write. I pray that I have those moments more often.

For those of you who have been asking, yes. I have an interest and no, I won’t tell you who it is because it’s between me and God. The few people who I want to know already know. These are people I have asked to pray about things or have gone to and asked for advice because I value their opinion. One of the best lessons God has taught me is that something can still be important even if very few people know about it.

707 is going really well if you don’t count our copy machine. I usually make the bulletins and it jams up on me at least 10 times every Sunday, if not more. It’s a small thing to have to deal with but it gets me so frustrated. I’d pray for patience but I know better than that, so I’ll just pray God has the printing company send us our new bullitens faster so we don’t have jams all the time. Aside from that, we had five baptiosms last Sunday and they were totally amazing. If you haven’t seen them, head over to the 707 website and check out the video from November 16th. It’s great.

I’ve been trying to become more faithful in my prayer life, but it’s hard, especially with finals coming up soon. It seems like I’m always on the run these days. If it’s not a paper it’s a project or a lab report. Things will setle down soon and hopefully I can have more time to spend with God.

Congratulations to Andy and Meri on their first child! Baby Sikora will be here in a few months.

I’m finished with my last ever lab report (YES!) so it’s time for sleep.

Jesus, I love you. Help me be a good student and pass my finals.

12 Nov

Dear You

Posted by Brian in Uncategorized.

I prayed for you tonight. I pray for you every night. I hope that somehow, some way, you can feel it or hear it or something.

It’s hard walking with you all the time and not blurting out really stupid things like how beautiful I think you are or how much your smile makes me want to smile or how amazing it is that you have so much passion for Jesus.

I’m fairly certain that you don’t feel the same way as I do, that God has a different guy for you. Some other guy.

Damn, is he ever lucky.

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